Der optimistische Regenschirm
An umbrella, a weather forecast, and a very optimistic neighbour.
1 min read
A COLLECTION WORTH REMEMBERING
Library
60 texts to explore
Ein guter Grund zu warten
Sometimes the best part of a journey happens before it begins.
1 min read
Nur ein kleines Stück
A perfectly reasonable approach to sharing cake.
1 min read
Sich vorstellen
The first two minutes of meeting someone: name, where you are from, what you do.
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Im Restaurant bestellen
Getting a table, ordering drinks and a main course, and asking what is in a dish.
1 min read
Kaffee zum Mitnehmen
A café order from start to payment, including the question every German café asks first.
1 min read
Nach dem Weg fragen
Asking for directions and understanding the answer, including distance and public transport.
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Um Hilfe bitten
How to ask a stranger for help politely, and the phrases you will hear back.
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Über Hobbys sprechen
Asking about someone’s free time and keeping the conversation going past the first answer.
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Lieblingsplätze in der Stadt
Asking a local where they actually go, rather than where the guidebook sends you.
1 min read
Reisetipps
Asking someone who has been there for practical advice: tickets, timing and where not to eat.
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Beim Arzt
Describing symptoms and asking for a sick note — the vocabulary you want before you need it.
1 min read
Im Kleidungsgeschäft
Sizes, fitting rooms, colours and the return policy, in the order they come up.
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Sich verabreden
Making plans with someone: suggesting, agreeing a time, and settling where to meet.
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An der Rezeption
Checking into a hotel and asking the two questions everyone asks: breakfast and wifi.
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Einen Termin vereinbaren
A phone call in German: saying who you are, and negotiating a time that works.
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Der erste Tag im Büro
Small talk with a new colleague, ending with the question every learner worries about: du or Sie?
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Small Talk beim Warten
The safe German small talk topics — weather, delays, the weekend — with the Sie form throughout.
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Der Witz von der Baustelle
The pun is „daran arbeiten“ — you work on a building site, and you work on a joke.
1 min read
Warum summen Bienen?
A classic Scherzfrage. „summen“ is what a bee does and what you do when you have forgotten the lyrics.
1 min read
Ehrliche Geister
Seeing through someone works the same way in German as in English — literally and figuratively.
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Ein Keks unter dem Baum
The pun is „Plätzchen“, which means both a biscuit and a little place.
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Ein Anruf bei der Feuerwehr
A caller in a panic gives the fire brigade directions they did not ask for.
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Treffen sich zwei Jäger
Germany’s most famous Antiwitz: „sich treffen“ means both to meet and to hit each other.
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Zwei Kerzen unterhalten sich
The pun is „ausgehen“ — to assume something, and, for a candle, to go out.
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Auf dem Grab eines Mathematikers
The pun is „rechnen“ — to calculate, and „mit etwas rechnen“, to expect something.
1 min read
Zwei Unsichtbare
A greeting that is more accurate than the speaker intends.
1 min read
Ein Bumerang ohne Rückweg
One of the shortest punchlines in German, and it lands in any language.
1 min read
Ein Clown im Büro
The pun is „Faxen machen“, to clown around, next to the office fax machine.
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Weiß und störend
A Scherzfrage that sets you up to guess something small and harmless.
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Ein Skelett beim Arzt
The doctor’s bedside manner has seen better days.
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Ein Witz über die Bahn
The pun is „ankommen“ — a joke lands, a train arrives, and German trains famously do neither on time.
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Ein arbeitsloser Schauspieler
The pun is „Das spielt keine Rolle“ — that does not matter — beside „eine Rolle spielen“, to play a part.
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Eine Vereinbarung mit der Pflanze
The pun is „eingehen“ — to agree to something, and, for a plant, to die.
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Die Null und die Acht
Look at the two numbers side by side and the punchline draws itself.
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Ein Zahn, der nicht beißt
„Löwenzahn“ literally means lion’s tooth — and it is the German word for dandelion.
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Ein Kompliment für den Koch
A waiter takes „ein Kompliment ausrichten“ far more literally than the guest meant it.
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Die Sprache der Sauna
The pun mixes „Schweizerdeutsch“, Swiss German, with „schwitzen“, to sweat.
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Wo Elefanten wohnen
Rüsselsheim is a real German town — and „Rüssel“ is an elephant’s trunk, „Heim“ a home.
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Die Hälfte von sechs
A joke and a grammar lesson: „halb sechs“ is 5:30 in German, half way to six rather than half of it.
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Ameisen in der Kirche
Said aloud, „Insekten“ is indistinguishable from „in Sekten“ — in sects.
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Über fremde Sprachen
Goethe on why learning another language changes how you hear your first one.
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Wissen und Tun
Goethe’s answer to anyone who has read about a thing without ever doing it.
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Zwei Seelen
Faust puts a name to the feeling of being pulled in two directions at once.
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Früh übt sich
From Wilhelm Tell, and still the line German parents quote at a child with an instrument.
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Was mich nicht umbringt
Probably the most quoted sentence in modern German, and shorter than you expect.
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Ohne Musik
Nietzsche, who played the piano daily, states his case in nine words.
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Habe Mut
Kant’s motto for the Enlightenment, written as an instruction rather than an idea.
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Wo man Bücher verbrennt
Written in 1821, and carved into the ground at Berlin’s Bebelplatz where books were burned in 1933.
1 min read
Kein Mensch muss müssen
Nathan der Weise in four words — and a small lesson in what „müssen“ can do.
1 min read
Wer nichts weiß
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach on the cost of not knowing.
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Erstens kommt es anders
Wilhelm Busch builds the joke into the grammar: the sentence itself turns out differently.
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Freiheit der Andersdenkenden
Rosa Luxemburg wrote this in the margin of a prison manuscript in 1918.
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Ein Buch als Axt
The twenty-year-old Kafka, in a letter to a friend, on what reading is for.
1 min read
Ein zu weites Feld
The last line of Effi Briest, and the reason Germans still say „ein weites Feld“ to close a subject.
1 min read
Das letzte Brötchen
Two strangers, one bread roll, and a little patience at the bakery.
1 min read
Ein Zettel an der Tür
A note on the door brings a quiet neighbour into the life of his building.
1 min read
Der süße Brei
A magic pot that does not know when to stop. Original 1857 spelling.
2 min read
Die Bremer Stadtmusikanten
Four animals discover a new life together. Original 1857 spelling.
6 min read
Hans im Glück
A journey home, and a series of surprising trades. Original 1857 spelling.
10 min read